


We Never Settled

by boysdontread



Category: Degrassi
Genre: 2010s, Angst, Bisexual Male Character, Closeted Character, Consensual Underage Sex, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, POV Alternating, Post-Break Up, Reconciliation, Retcon, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-27
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:07:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25554052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/boysdontread/pseuds/boysdontread
Summary: Zig never imagined his thirst trap post would have led him to a steamy hookup with the school's star hockey player. But here he was, left in its wake and pining for Cam after he'd rejected him. He couldn't get that night out of his head and he'd do anything to make Cam his again.(In progress! Ch 4/?)
Relationships: Zig Novak/Campbell Saunders
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [As I Settle into Your Bones](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/657187) by 1234567879. 



> This story is a fan continuation of the short story, "As I Settle into Your Bones" by 1234567879 on Fanfiction.net. I highly recommend checking out that story before reading this one. It's not completely necessary, but it's fantastically written and will help with understanding and catching up on this one, plus it features a really steamy sex scene! 
> 
> For those who do not want to go back, I have tried to fill in the blanks throughout my storytelling. In short, closeted Zig and Cam hooked up after Zig posted a thirst trap online, they caught feelings, and Zig asked Cam out, but Cam said no. This story takes place after that with minor variations. 
> 
> Thank you for reading my first ever fanfic!

**Chapter 1  
Zig.**

Zig and Cam didn't speak for the majority of winter break. After putting himself out there and being humiliated by Cam, Zig resolved to forget the entire ordeal. He ignored a few texts from the older boy, his pathetic pleas to "talk about what happened," and "let me explain." It was all too painful for Zig to think about, so he simply deleted each message from Cam until they finally stopped coming.

He'd been doing a mediocre job at putting Cam out of his mind after that and tried everything he could to distract himself. He braved the Canadian winter and spent every day skateboarding until his joints were stiff and his limbs were numb. Skateboarding had always been an escape and a hobby, there was something transcendent about the total body concentration and the weightlessness of gliding on a board. He practiced for hours alone at the skate park and actually started to impress himself with his skill. He mastered pop-shuvits and kickflips and had moved on to perfecting the rails.

Cam still occasionally flashed across Zig's thoughts, like right now, when he botched the landing on a tough rail he'd been working on because he couldn't stop remembering that he was supposed to be here teaching Cam. He imagined being razzed by the other boy and giving each other banter about bailing on a trick before settling the teasing with a squeeze on the ass. Or a kiss on the mouth. Or a full on make out sess — _Get out of my head!_ Zig thought and kicked his board, watching it go skittering and scraping across the concrete before continuing to roll away.

He exhaled a cloud of frosted breath and shook out his hormones and nerves before chasing after the skateboard. Its roll slowed to a crawl as it neared a chain link fence around the edge of the skate park. Zig was startled when he noticed the figure of another boy standing outside the fence, watching him. Before they could lock eyes, the other took off running away down the sidewalk. Zig's face shifted from confusion to a menacing glare and he hurried to the fence in an attempt to catch up with the boy, but his head-start had allowed him to disappear around the block.

"You think you can fucking stalk me?" Zig shouted after him, absolutely certain that it had been Cam. He had only been able to see that it was a smaller guy in a letter jacket, but who else could that have been? "Creep!" He added, and bent down to scoop up his board. The skate park had always been Zig's sanctuary, but now it felt unsafe. How many other times had Cam been there watching? It was as if he'd really been _inside_ Zig's head, planting the imaginary make out session so that Zig would find Cam standing by the fence and… what? Make it real? Cam had made it loud and clear that he definitely didn't want that. Zig attempted to shake the thought and hopped back on his board, but the damage had been done. He kept looking over his shoulder and couldn't land a single trick. Not even a fucking ollie. It was time to go home.

Zig stepped onto his board and skated home, the cold finally hitting him. He pulled his hoodie around himself and hugged his arms close to his body. _Fuck Cam_ , he thought. He'd been fine ignoring Cam until now, and he'd be fine continuing to ignore him.

-x-

Until New Year's Eve came around. To his surprise, Zig's ex-girlfriend Tori invited him to the party at the Hollingsworth's mansion. He'd spent most of winter break skateboarding alone and brooding at home, so he was desperate for some socialization and agreed to go. He also wondered if this was Tori's way of trying to get back together. Tori _was_ hot and a rebound might be just what he needed to start feeling like himself again, so Zig agreed to go.

He wasn't really the type to care about getting dressed up to go somewhere, but he decided to put forth a little effort for a Hollingsworth New Year's Eve party. Instead of his usual black tee and blue jeans, he wore black skinny jeans and added a knit sweater that Tori had given him when they were still dating. It was a kind of blue and purple tie-dye that Zig always thought looked a little bit baggy, but Tori insisted made his eyes pop. If he was going to rebound with Tori, then wearing this sweater was the way to do it.

He stood in front of the full-length mirror on his closet door and ran a brush through his hair. He was _definitely_ getting Tori back tonight. He gave himself a half smile, finally feeling real self-confidence since… well, he wouldn't go there. Not tonight. Tonight was all about Tori. He swiped some Carmex across his lips and pocketed the lip balm in preparation for his midnight kiss. Tori had always been a good kisser. Her lips were pillow soft and she'd dart her tongue in and out of his mouth like all she needed was a little taste of him, leaving room for Zig to fill her mouth with his own hungry tongue. She'd flutter kisses down his jawline, neck, and chest until his dick was throbbing. He felt himself growing hard just thinking about the memory. Tori gave him blowjobs a few times, and although they were never as gratifying as he needed them to be, they were still nice. He'd be down for a few more of those.

Zig tossed the hairbrush onto his bed and almost walked right past, before double taking and focusing in on his bedside table. He felt like he had x-ray vision, knowing the exact contents without opening the drawer: a paperback copy of _The Outsiders_ , exactly eight dollars and sixty-six cents, a matchstick box that really hid a few grams of weed, a translucent orange Bic lighter, some spare screws and a skateboard wheel, a bag of crisps, his Degrassi school ID and lanyard, and most importantly, a box of Trojan condoms.

Zig had swiped the condoms from his parents' convenience store back when he and Tori were still dating. They'd only had sex four times before Tori broke up with him. "We're moving way too fast," is what she'd said. Zig really couldn't argue with that. He was the type of guy who knew what he wanted and took it. His parents were small-business owners who always instilled in him to seek opportunity and seize it. It was in his nature to move fast. The breakup had been a surprise, but it didn't really faze Zig. Tori was hot and she was fun to fool around with, but he hadn't been in love with her. In fact, his nonchalance at the breakup had seemed to affect Tori even more. Tori and her friends, Tristan and Maya, gave Zig the silent treatment, only bothering to look at him to roll their eyes or glare. He didn't like to admit it, but it hurt. They had all been friends before, so it sucked that after the breakup, he was the one on the outs.

After their split, Zig earned a reputation as somewhat of a player. He'd lost his friends, but he was no longer a virgin and he was in a band. Zig became a magnet for a certain type of girl, and he enjoyed it to its fullest. He didn't sleep with them all, but he did sleep with some of them. Enough that there were three condoms left in the box. He slid open the drawer and pulled the tri-folded foils out. _Better safe than sorry_ , he thought, and tore one square from the others and slid it into his back pocket.

Zig left his room to grab a little snack before he left for the party. The Hollingsworths lived across town, far away from Zig's shitty neighborhood, so he'd have to leave early to make it there on foot. He passed through the living room to reach the kitchen and found his mom sitting on the sofa, watching Ryan Seacrest in Times Square.

"Zigmund," she called, "Come watch!"

Zig continued past her and stepped into the kitchen. He opened the fridge and browsed for a good snack while he called back to her, "I can't, Mom. I'm going to a party."

"A party? Where? With who?"

Zig sighed, already exhausted by his mother's questioning. "At the Hollingsworth's. With Tori," he said. He scanned the shelves that were mostly empty and settled on some sliced salami that was tucked away in the crisper.

" _Tori_ Tori?" His mother asked, like he knew she would. He'd brought Tori around the house often when they were dating, and she got along well with his mother.

He carried a few slices of salami into the living room as he walked back to talk to his mother. "Yep," he said, and sat down on the arm of the couch next to her, " _The_ Tori."

"Zigmund, you know you shouldn't sit there! You'll ruin the couch," his mother said, and shooed him off with both her hands. He shrugged her off as he took another bite of salami and looked at the TV. Fall Out Boy was performing and text scrolling at the bottom of the screen promised that Craig Manning would be performing within the hour. He noticed the audience members bundled up in scarves and mittens and imagined being there, freezing in New York tonight. He hoped it wasn't that cold here.

"So did you get back together?" Zig's mom asked after the performance. She had apparently given up on the state of her sofa as she'd gone back to questioning Zig about Tori.

"No, Mom," he said, and shoved the last piece of salami into his mouth, using chewing as an excuse to give a shorter response.

"Are you going to get back together?" she pried.

Zig sighed once more as he stood up. "I don't know, Mom. I don't even know if I want to get back together. I just want to go to a party and this is my chance."

"Well, I always thought she was a nice girl. Very pretty. So if you do get back together, I won't be mad," Zig's mom said.

By now, Zig was heading to the front door. "Great, thanks Mom," he said as he stepped into his sneakers. He owned three pairs of shoes: his skate shoes, his winter boots, and this pair of Converse sneakers. They were threadbare with a hole on the side of the right shoe and soles that had worn smooth. Zig peered out the window at the top of the door and noticed some snowflakes that were floating around in the sky. He thought back to the bundled crowds in New York and knew that these shoes wouldn't keep his toes from freezing on the long walk to the party. An idea flashed in his mind.

"Hey mom," he said, "I'll be extra nice to Tori if you give me money for an Uber."

-x-

Zig directed the Uber to drop him off outside of the Hollingsworth's neighborhood, and he pocketed the extra money. The ride across town had given him time to think about his mother's questions. He _knew_ he didn't want to get back with Tori. So why, then, was he so set on impressing her? Why had he worn this sweater and why did he grab the condoms? Was it all for one of her mediocre blowjobs? He knew that he could probably hook up with another random girl if he wanted to. The thing is, he didn't want to. As soon as he'd hooked up with Campbell Saunders, everything changed.

He was loathe to admit this, even to himself. It had been weeks now, but still, the thought of that day made Zig's stomach flip. He'd been replaying it in his head every night. It was the hottest sex he'd ever had and the only thing that could get him off anymore. It's just that as soon as it was over, he was reminded of that day in the park and how it had all fallen apart. Why had Cam ruined everything? Zig thought of the more recent day in the skate park where he was sure it had been Cam stalking him, but now he doubted himself. Why would Cam even care about him at all, let alone enough to watch him skateboard? Had he been so obsessed with this kid that he imagined the whole thing?

By the time he arrived at the party, Zig's mind was fucked. He fumbled for his phone in his pocket, his nerves and the cold weather getting to his fingers. _Im here, where r u?_ he sent to Tori, then approached the looming mansion and walked in the front door.

Bright lights and pulsing music overwhelmed Zig as he stepped inside. He'd never been to the mansion before, but he'd seen videos on Snapchat from other parties here. They didn't do it justice. Zig guessed his house could fit inside of this one at least five times. It felt bigger than Degrassi itself. The foyer was at least two stories high, with a giant chandelier in the center. The walls and ceilings were decorated with strobing string lights and streamers. Zig didn't have much time to take it all in before he was being shoved around by a crowd of rowdy partiers.

"Sorry!" Called a girl in the group as they erupted in laughter and pummeled past, disappearing into the next room. Zig steadied his balance by a chocolate fountain and began to scan the area for Tori.

He walked into the room the group had traveled to, and it was packed with people. Zig wondered if there were students from other schools here, too, or if the entire Degrassi population had been invited. He didn't recognize anyone. He began to bristle with annoyance. What was he even doing here?

He glanced down at his phone again and realized that he missed Tori's reply: _Pool lounge_. Great, the "pool lounge," as if Zig knew exactly where and _what_ that even was. He stuffed his phone back into his pocket and wandered through a few rooms of teens draped over chaise lounges, sitting in circles playing spin-the-bottle, filming each other on their phones, and dancing to endless, repetitive songs until he finally reached the pool lounge. It was a room lined with floor-to-ceiling sliding windows all looking out onto the pool. The pool was of course closed up for the winter, but the lounge still housed patio furniture and many plants. The music was quieter in this room, and it seemed like it was where people were going to chat.

Zig found Tori with Tristan, both of them leaning against a cabana-style bar and sipping something out of coconuts with a straw. Zig saw her before she could see him and he noticed how truly hot she was. She was wearing a short, tight-fitting cream-coloured dress that shimmered when she moved. Her skin and hair also seemed to glisten, like maybe she rolled around in glitter before she left. She was… radiant.

She finally noticed him as he walked toward her, and she grinned as beautifully as ever. "Happy New Year, Zig!" she shouted to him.

"Happy New Year, Tori," he said once he reached her side. It was shocking how easily it felt just like old times. He narrowed his eyes as he glanced at Tristan, not sure if they would be amicable again, but Tristan flashed a quick fake smile and Zig knew the silent-treatment was finally over.

"Happy New Year, Tris," he said.

"We'll see what the new year brings," Tristan replied flatly, and took a sip from his coconut drink.

Zig turned his attention back to Tori. "You… you look great," he said sincerely, gesturing his arm along her body.

She smiled again and set her drink down on the bar. "Thanks, Zig. You look pretty good too," she said and reached up to his shoulder, pinching and stretching up the fabric of his sweater. Zig could smell her intoxicating scent as she got close. All girls always smelled good, but Tori especially. She smelled delicious, like strawberries and vanilla. He leaned in a little more, breathing in the top of her hair.

"Well, I'm out of here. Maya just texted, she's in the piano room. Find us if you want to," Tristan said and left his coconut drink behind on the bar.

There was an awkward silence once he was gone, until Tori finally spoke up. "Hey, I'm glad you showed up," she said.

"Well, of course," Zig said and made a confused face that he hoped conveyed, "Why wouldn't I?"

"I know we haven't been the best of friends lately," Tori said, "But everything feels so empty without you."

Zig knew the feeling well. It's why he'd been spending all of his time on his skateboard away from everyone else. It's why he'd been posting thirst traps on Tumblr and Snapchat trying to get other girls' attention. He knew that Tori was sad after their split, but he had no idea she was still sad months later. It made him soften.

"Tori, I…" Zig started to say, "I feel the same way," but trailed off when he caught sight of Campbell Saunders across the room.

Cam stood in the entry of the pool lounge and appeared to be scanning the room for something… or someone. Zig watched, turning his head from Tori to stare unabashedly at the hockey player. His stomach lurched at the sight of Cam, who was looking fit as ever in his letter jacket and blue jeans, hands shoved in his pockets, and hair mussed up ever so slightly. Zig immediately envisioned himself pressing his body into Cam's and pinning him against the wall as he devoured him, shoving his hands into Cam's jeans and having his way with him right there in front of everyone.

It was in the middle of this fantasy that the two finally locked eyes. Cam seemed to jump when he saw Zig and his big brown eyes widened like a deer's before a car crash. Except he didn't freeze. Instead, he turned around and all but ran out of the room. "Wait—" Zig called and stepped toward him, but Cam had already gone. Again. Just like at the skate park, and now Zig was sure he hadn't imagined that.

"Zig, what's going on?" Tori asked, reaching out to grab his bicep and hold him back. "What did he do to you?"

 _It's not what he did to me_ , Zig thought, _it's what he does to me._ Of course, he couldn't say that, so instead he said, "I have to find him."

"Zig, don't. Please don't hurt him. Whatever he did, I'm sure he didn't mean it," Tori said, following Zig as he made his way through the lounge.

Zig had no idea how to explain the situation to Tori. He had no intention of telling the truth, but he was basically pulling her along with him as he tore through the mansion in search of Cam. The pair zig-zagged through the foyer, past the chocolate fountain, around the circle of people still spinning the bottle, and into the piano room.

There, sat on a window bench next to the glossy grand piano, was Cam.

"Zig!" Tori commanded, wobbling behind him in her strappy stiletto heels, "Let it go. Please! For me. For Maya."

 _For Maya_. Because there was Cam and sitting on his lap and nuzzling his neck was Tori's blond best friend.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2.  
Cam.**

Zig Novak was the last person Cam expected to see at the Hollingsworth New Year's Eve bash. In fact, Zig hadn't even crossed his mind all week. He'd struggled through winter break with shaking the thought of the other boy, the spectral image of what they'd done so vivid in his mind he was sure that everyone he came in contact with could see it.

He faked sick for a week to get out of hockey practice, feeling actual nausea at the thought of Mike Dallas or Owen Milligan finding out. They already gave him such a hard time about being young and small and overrated. If they knew that he was… that he liked boys, they'd make his life hell. Literal hell. They'd refuse to share a locker room with him. They'd keep the puck from him on the ice and slam him into the boards even more often than they already did. They'd sabotage his entire hockey career, the only thing he really had going for him. Everyone at school would find out and it would only be a matter of time until news got back home. Cam couldn't bear the thought of his parents finding out. It's not that he thought they would disown him, he thought his parents were pretty accepting in that sense, it's that he knew they would look at him differently. Despite moving so far away for hockey, he'd always felt close to his parents. If they found out what he'd done—who he was—he'd no longer be their pride and joy, their hockey star son or even just _their son_. He'd be their _gay_ son.

Cam knew he would have to face Zig and the hockey guys when school started back up, but he was grateful for the respite he'd been enjoying with Maya lately. At first he saw her as just another puckbunny, one of those girls who chased hockey players for clout. Most of the guys on the team lived for girls' attention, and he suspected that some of them even started playing hockey just for that purpose. He, however, had no interest in those girls. Maybe it was because he wasn't interested in _any_ girls, but his teammates chalked it up to him being overly intense about his sport and he was happy to let them think that. Not to mention that he and Maya had more in common than he originally gave her credit for, like how she was as dedicated to her career as a musician as he was about his career as an athlete. They could understand each other when it came to endless hours of practice and all of the work that went into being the best at something.

Maya had been persistent, and that's what made Cam warm up to her. He really couldn't escape her, but her determination to prove her worth charmed him. Having a blond girlfriend around also worked wonders for his reputation among the other hockey players. It was like as soon as Maya started showing up, the other guys actually looked up to Cam. He liked it and thus, decided to let her in. At least a little bit.

Cam's thing with Maya had coincided with his thing with Zig Novak. He considered that he clung so desperately to Maya because he didn't want to face his true feelings. He'd been stupid before, impulsively responding to an obvious thirst trap posted by the younger boy. If Zig hadn't been receptive, Cam could've been outed right then. He could have blown it. That fear was what overshadowed his attraction to Zig. So what that it had gone… well, practically perfect? He had been lucky that time, just like he'd been lucky with hockey, and he knew he could only have so much luck. He had to be careful before it all ran out.

And still. He hadn't wanted to end things with Zig. He didn't want to be careful. He wanted to press his luck. For once, he'd just followed his impulses and ended up right at Zig's door, and things couldn't have gone better. He still had trouble accepting that it had actually even happened. That _it_ had happened. He'd barely even kissed Maya after weeks of dating, yet he'd done it all with Zig in a single day. Part of him wished that it had happened more slowly, but he didn't regret it. He and Zig had fostered a small romance after the hook up, the kind of romance that made Cam feel those proverbial butterflies everyone always talked about for the first time in his life. He lived in a fantasy land for a few days where he fell asleep at night with his phone smashed against his face, listening to Zig already snoring on the other end, and woke up in the morning to a sexy text that he would have to delete immediately, but that kept him hot and bothered all day. It was too perfect, so Cam had to stop it before it got him into trouble.

He hadn't intended to break up with Zig that day in the park, but there was absolutely no way he was ready to make it official. Zig had just sprung the question out of nowhere. They hadn't even talked about it, hadn't considered the impact it would have on Cam's life to "come out," and to have a _boyfriend_. He hadn't meant for the refusal to be the break-up that it was, but as soon as he'd told Zig, "I can't," there was no room for explanation. It had been the truth, but Zig was a hothead and he didn't really hear what Cam was saying. He exploded at Cam, threw his ice cream cone at him and shoved him before leaving him all alone in the park. He knew that he had been the one to say, "no," but Zig had been the one doing the dumping.

He was left alone in the park next to the carved tree that suddenly seemed to mock him. He was frozen, still reeling from the force of Zig's shoulder check and the panic at being the target of his rage. His bloodstream seemed to drain and refill with instant regret, already hollowed from the absence of Zig's presence in his life and the happiness it had brought him. He'd forgotten how horrible he felt all the time before hooking up with Zig, but his stasis of shame, loneliness, and worthlessness came crushing back down on him like an anvil in a cartoon. He still hadn't fully recovered from that moment.

At first Cam tried to console himself by reminding himself that this was what he wanted. No more sneaking around, no more worrying about anyone finding out, just hockey and now Maya. A normal life. Thinking that way worked for about 10 seconds. Instead, he found himself desperate to right things with Zig and sent him an embarrassing number of texts over the course of the next three days. He clutched his phone so close to his person, checking it every time he imagined it might have vibrated, that even his billet family noticed his obsession. He told them he was awaiting a call about a summer program with the Toronto Maple Leafs, but they must have known it was a lie. They would have known about a program like that. Of course, no calls or texts ever came. Cam sank further into the well of despair he'd so briefly managed to climb out of that he could now hardly remember ever escaping.

At least he still had hockey, and at least one person in the world still treated him like a human being.

Maya invited Cam to the New Year's Eve party and she'd been mindful to include him in her group of friends. He liked Tristan and Tori enough, but he also thought they could be kind of self-centered. Like how they'd all agreed to meet up at the party at 9 but when he and Maya arrived, the others were nowhere to be found and weren't responding to Maya's texts.

"It's okay," said Maya, switching from frowning down at the phone in her hand to smiling at Cam, "You know Tori… Probably having a wardrobe meltdown."

He didn't know Tori. Not really. But he knew that treating Maya like this was shitty. He and Maya stood awkwardly in the great room, a room that was decorated with fairy lights and housed a clothed table with a chocolate fountain and some fruit, but seemed to function as a liminal space, connecting the outdoors to the rest of the rooms. Other kids buzzed around the room, bouncing off of each other and toward the pair like clumsy bumble bees in a garden. Cam pressed his hand to Maya's lower back and guided her toward the fountain so they would be out of the way.

Against the wall was Cam's usual spot when he had to attend parties. As soon as he'd become a hockey player, he'd been surprised to learn there were always parties. So many parties. He never felt comfortable in his skin and being perceived made his skin crawl. Being shy didn't really mesh with his role as a star hockey player, but it was different on the ice. In hockey games he was always shrouded in his uniform and mask, barely distinguishable from his teammates. It's why he always wore his Ice Hounds jacket and why he was wearing it now, it was like a forcefield against being truly seen. He could have been one of twenty other guys in the same jacket, on the same team.

Maya, on the other hand, was trying to stand out. Cam had learned from their few dates that she felt overshadowed by her beauty queen best friend. She told Cam all about how she used to have a crush on Zig—"it's way over now, don't worry"—but of course, Zig liked Tori. Everyone _always_ liked Tori. Tonight, Maya wore a short and strapless fluorescent pink dress that was covered in shiny sequins and sucked to her body like shrink wrap. Her normally curly hair was straight and parted down the middle, and she didn't have her glasses on. Cam couldn't help thinking of a Barbie doll, but he knew Maya would hate to hear that.

Cam pulled a pretzel rod from a glittery gold bowl on the table and plunged it into the chocolate stream. He waved the pretzel around like a salty wand, allowing the chocolate to coat it while he searched for the right thing to say to Maya. She was tapping away on her phone again, and glanced impatiently at the front door when it opened and a crowd of grade twelves flooded inside instead of her friends.

"Hey," Cam finally said, "Forget about them. I'm here, you're here, let's have fun." He extended the chocolatey pretzel in her direction, symbolically offering her a fun night along with the snack. He realized he could have been talking to himself as well. He could use a night to forget about other people's eyes and opinions.

A smirk tugged at the corner of her lips as she took in Cam and the pretzel. "You know what? Yeah. Forget them." She plucked the pretzel from Cam's fingers and bit into it with a satisfying chomp.

They followed the sound of the music to a room crowded with dancing teens and danced to Avicii and Daft Punk until they lost their breath. Cam swiveled his shoulders and hopped from side to side while Maya ran her fingers through her hair and down her sides, rocking her hips the entire way. Cam had to think for a moment, but he realized he was really having fun. Being with Maya did that to him.

She circled her thumb and finger around his wrist and pulled him into the next room. It appeared to be a small ballroom, lined with beautiful bay windows but empty save for a massive piano. They were both slightly out of breath and dewy from dancing, and when Maya placed her lips on Cam's, he could feel the slick of sweat on her skin. He wanted to enjoy kissing her. He could tell how much she enjoyed it, how she draped her slender arms over his shoulders and cupped the back of his neck, urging him deeper into her kiss. Except he didn't enjoy it at all. In fact, all of the joy he'd just experienced while they danced suddenly evaporated from his body and was replaced with the pulsing nausea of dread. He closed his eyes and circled his arms around her waist pulling her body close, but he still felt sick. _Relax_ , he urged himself _, fucking relax_. But by now he knew. He didn't like girls and he would never like girls. Not even Maya.

Her lips were small and soft and never satisfied. This was the longest they'd ever kissed for. Cam just wanted it to end. He pulled his head back and forced a smile to break the kiss. Maya smiled back and kissed the corner of his mouth. "Too much PDA?" she asked.

Cam lowered his arms from her body and took a step to distance from her. His hands immediately dove into his jacket pockets and he felt the back of his neck grow hot. Why couldn't he just fake it? He glanced down at the marble floor, suddenly unable to even look Maya in the eye. It was obvious that he hadn't been into it. She was onto him. The heat from the back of his neck spread to his ears. He had the sudden urge to bolt. To leave the party and run as fast as he could until he found a body of water. He'd walk into the freezing lake or river and let his feet sting from the cold, wading out until the water was over his head and he'd be truly submerged and invisible. There, where he was safe, he'd take a deep breath and let the water fill his lungs and the cold numb him from the inside out until finally, it would all just go away.

"Cam," Maya hissed, jolting him from his daydream. He glanced up and saw that she was still grinning.

"Did you…" She didn't finish her sentence, but instead looked down at the floor. Cam followed her gaze to his sneakers, then back up to her face in confusion.

"Did I what?" he asked.

"You know," she turned her head as if she were speaking to her shoulder and said very quickly, "Did you get a boner?"

As if he weren't already red, Cam felt his face flush. He felt his whole _body_ flush and start to sweat worse than it had from dancing. He had to get away. "I, uh, I… I have to use the washroom," he said, his voice raspy and tight.

"Cam, it's okay—it's normal!" Maya said, but Cam was already back in the crowded room where more kids had gathered to dance and _Blurred Lines_ rattled the sconces on the walls.

He fought his way through the crowd bleary eyed and in need of a quiet space to be alone and decompress in the only way he knew how. All of this shame and self-hatred, and Maya had just thought he'd popped a boner. He _wished_ it had been a boner. That would have made everything so easy, it would have made life livable. Why couldn't he just be normal? Why was everything always such a big deal? Cam chastised himself as he tore back into the great room. _Idiot, idiot, idiot._

He steadied himself against the table with the chocolate fountain and stared down into the mess of snacks and chocolate drippings now scattered across the tablecloth. He bit down on his lower lip, chewing hard until he felt a pinch of pain sharp enough to temporarily halt his thoughts. It wasn't enough. There was no way he'd be able to calm down enough to face Maya again, to make it through the rest of the night. He wanted to leave, to walk out through the double front door and never look back. But then he'd still have to face Maya later when she called him or came looking for him at his house or at least back at Degrassi. He couldn't hide from her forever just like he couldn't hide from Zig forever. He wanted to bury himself. How had he fucked up so severely? He wanted to die.

His throat tightened and he tried to catch his breath. He had to relax. His eyes scanned the length of the table, over crumbs, strewn fruits, the spilled bowl of pretzels and crumpled napkins until he saw it: the bright yellow CAUTION – HOT SURFACE label affixed to the bottom bowl of the chocolate fountain. It was instinctual. He pushed up the sleeve of his jacket and pressed the side of his arm against the metal. He took a breath and braced for the pain to set in. It first felt ice cold, then numb, then finally intense burning hot. He hissed and ripped his arm away. All of his racing thoughts and panic funneled into his physical pain, which now demanded his entire attention. It had worked exactly as he hoped it would, exactly as it always did. He turned his arm over to get a good look at the damage and was pleased to see that there was only a small oval of pink. About two inches of his skin had been marked, and no one would noticed unless they were looking.

"Saunders!"

Cam yanked his sleeve back down and spun around to see Mike Dallas lingering in the archway between the great room and the wing of the house Cam had yet to set foot in. He was wearing a matching Ice Hounds jacket, which was probably how he'd recognized Cam. He grinned and stepped closer, slapping a hand on Cam's back as he joined him by the table.

"Damn you've really been noshing over here," he said, and grabbed two broken halves of pretzel from the mess. He swiped them through the flowing chocolate and brought them to his mouth, adding two new drips of chocolate to the floor along the way.

Cam forced a smile, but felt his anxiety begin to seize him once more. It's not that he was afraid of Dallas, they were teammates after all, it's that he'd always had to be someone else around the team. Right now he wasn't sure that he could muster the energy to put on an act. He focused instead on the lingering pain in his arm.

"Where's your lady?" Dallas asked, reaching for a strawberry. Cam was thankful that he seemed to be more interested in the snacks than in him.

"Oh, Maya?"

" _That's_ your lady," Dallas said impatiently.

"She's uh… she's around," Cam said.

"Don't wanna say, huh? What, you think I'm gonna steal your midnight kiss?"

Cam froze. He'd totally forgotten about the significance of a kiss on New Year's Eve. From the entire time he'd learned about the party to Maya inviting him to now, the thought had escaped him. She would definitely be expecting him to kiss her at midnight. The relief he'd gained by hurting himself was gone. He felt tense with dread and the urge to shake her off. He wanted to shake Dallas off, to shake his suddenly suffocating clothes off, to shake his skin off. It shouldn't be such an ordeal to kiss her. It was simple task, even if he didn't enjoy it, he should still be able to just go along with it. He _liked_ Maya. She was cool and pretty and patient with him about all of his issues. And yet—

"Dude, relax!" Dallas said and smacked the side of Cam's arm, jolting him back to the present. "I'm not breaking the bro code. Plus… I've got my own midnight kiss plans."

He glanced over his shoulder as if the girl in question were in the room with them. She wasn't. No one was. Dallas leaned closer to Cam and lowered his voice anyway. "It's Tori Santamaria."

"Tori?" Cam couldn't mask his surprise. Maya's words rang in his thoughts: _everyone always liked Tori_.

"Bro, have you _seen_ her tonight? She's…" Dallas shook his head as if he were lost for words, then kissed his fingertips. "Chef's kiss, my man."

"She's… _here_?" Cam asked.

"Uhm, yeah. Looking fine as hell. She was hanging with some twerp niner by the pool, but it's just because I haven't swooped in yet."

Cam understood the "twerp niner" to be Tristan. He wondered when they'd arrived and why they hadn't told Maya. He bristled slightly in her defense. If he couldn't make out with Maya, the least he could do would be to reunite her with her friends. Maybe they'd be so distracted dancing and having fun with Tori and Tristan that she'd forget all about a midnight kiss.

"Which way?" Cam asked.

Dallas pointed through the archway and Cam made his escape. "Hey, respect the bro code!" Dallas shouted after him.

Cam felt better when he was helping Maya. He felt like he owed her something for being so kind to him when no one else was. It's why he tried so hard to be a boyfriend to her. He'd been failing at that, but at least he could do this.

He slipped through the archway and into another open room. It was hazy with smoke although Cam couldn't place the smell, and lo-fi techno music wafted through the space. The far wall was lined with several French doors that seemed to lead to a patio, and the room was furnished with three white couches in plastic covers and a plush rug on the floor. Kids Cam didn't know draped themselves over the couches and crowded on the floor as a Dom Pérignon bottle spun and wobbled between them. He kept his hands in his pocket and his head down as he skirted the room and snuck through to the patio hoping to go unrecognized and avoid being dragged into the game.

He exited through one of the French doors that was ajar and found himself in a much quieter and brighter space. It was decorated in a cabana style complete with a bar and lounge chairs and an unobstructed window view of the pool. He scanned the room from right to left in search of Tristan's bleach blond hair or Tori's curly mane. It took him barely any time at all to find Tori leaning up against the tiki bar next to Zig Novak, who was staring right at him.

Why here? Why now? He couldn't deal with the emotions that swelled at the sight of the Zig and his piercing green eyes. He swallowed the memories that flashed in his mind: Zig's tumblr post, the massage, the sex—oh god, they'd had SEX—the horrible day in the park, and his most recent shameful glimpse of Zig at the skate park. It was all too much. Cam had to escape.

He turned back through the French doors and cut right through the center of the spin the bottle game, hurdling over people with trained athleticism. He ran all the way back to the room where he'd first ran from Maya, like he'd just been a hockey puck ricocheting back and forth from one end of the rink to the other. He imagined what he'd say to Maya to convince her to leave the party early, perhaps he'd come down with something or he'd been called home by his billet family.

Cam found Maya in the same room, standing near the grand piano talking with Tristan as if everything were completely as it should be. Her face lit up when she caught sight of Cam and she waved him over.

"Cam! Guess who finally showed up?" she gushed and stepped aside as to give Cam a better view of Tristan.

"Hey… Tris," Cam said slowly, realizing there was no way Maya would be willing to leave now. Maya slipped her hand into Cam's and gave it a squeeze while pulling him closer. He squeezed back and braced for the most uncomfortable night of his life.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3  
Zig.**

With Maya by his side, Cam no longer appeared fearful. In fact, he seemed confident. Cocky, even. As if Maya were some elite-grade defense protecting Cam from Zig, despite Zig having no intention of harming him. He just wanted to talk to him. And maybe kiss a little. And then whatever kissing led to. But there was no untangling him from his Maya suit of armor.

Tori had "convinced" Zig to give Cam a chance, and the group of five now sat on the floor in a circle, playing with some decks of cards that had been set out for the guests. They decided on a strip version of the card game "Bullshit," because it was the only card game Maya knew how to play besides Go Fish. Zig and Tori sat next to each other, with Cam and Maya across from them, and Tristan to Tori's right. It didn't escape Zig that they were at this massive party of a hundred guests and still spent their time with the same group of friends, playing cards like they could have at home.

Campbell Saunders, hockey legend, was of course winning the game. Maya kept her head on his shoulder, probably able to see directly into his hand. Zig glared in their direction, and called "bullshit," on every single one of Cam's plays. He was bitter and jealous that somehow this blonde waif had wriggled her way into Cam's life. Were they an "item?" Zig could barely stomach the thought.

It was true that Tori was sidled up to Zig in a similar position, but after being in Cam's presence again, there was no contest. Zig was all in for Cam. He barely felt Tori's long, pearlescent fingernails tickling behind his ear, a gesture that used to drive him crazy. Instead, he was mapping the landscape of Cam's face, his unblemished skin and handsome features. Maya whispered something into Cam's ear that made him laugh and nuzzle into her. Zig died a tiny death as he simultaneously swooned over Cam's smile and prickled with jealousy that it was Maya who had caused it. Zig had always had a quick temper, but he'd never been so affected by someone's mere presence before. It was primal.

"Three nines," Cam announced on his turn as he laid down three cards.

"Bullshit," Zig said, and caught Tristan and Maya both rolling their eyes.

" _Quelle surprise_ ," Tristan said.

Cam revealed the cards' faces, which were of course, three nines. Once he had caught on to Zig's strategy, Cam just stopped bluffing. By now, Zig had already removed both shoes, socks, and his belt.

"Are you _trying_ to get naked?" Tristan asked.

"Would you have a problem if I was?" Zig replied, reaching over his head with one arm to pull the sweater off in a seamless motion. He tossed the tie-dyed item in Tristan's general direction. The only clothes Zig had left were his t-shirt, his jeans, and his underwear. Cam had only shed his jacket, while Maya had lost both earrings and a Cinderella-esque pump, but had stayed squeezed into her obnoxious neon pink dress. Both Tristan and Tori remained fully clothed.

Tristan picked the sweater up off of the floor and threw it back at Zig. "It kind of defeats the purpose of the game," he said.

"I thought the purpose of 'strip' anything was to end up naked," Zig said, dodging the crumpled sweater. His intention had been to simply harass Cam and Maya by calling, "bullshit," but he was suddenly loving the effect his creeping nudity had on the others. He was primarily interested in riling Cam, hoping to draw some sort of reaction from the kid—anything at all—but his ability to cause Maya discomfort fueled his determination even more. He never had a problem with Maya until today but seeing her so comfortably hanging off of Cam's shoulders made him suddenly despise her.

Maya interrupted the banter to play her cards, and the game continued. No one called bullshit on Tori because she was obviously uncomfortable with losing clothing and no one called bullshit on Zig, because he was obviously trying to lose them.

"Two threes," Cam said when it was his turn again.

"Bullshit," Zig said smirking, and kept his eyes locked on Cam's. He didn't even bother to see the card reveal, just pulled his tee up off over his head and continued to stare Cam down, hoping to see him sweat.

Maya groaned, oblivious to what was happening between the boys. "Zig, the game isn't even fun anymore."

"Oh, I'm having plenty of fun," Zig said, and wet his lips with his tongue. He knew that he had a good body and he knew that Cam had to be appreciating it. Wasn't he? Zig's body had only become more muscular in the past weeks as he'd been pushing himself skateboarding. He was in the best shape of his life. Zig's eyes searched Cam's face for any indication that he was affected by Zig's new shirtless state. There was nothing. Cam tilted his head toward Maya's still on his shoulder and kissed it softly. "Your turn," he told her.

"Fine," Maya said, "Two queens."

Zig squirmed at the sight of the Cam and Maya together. They looked so… natural. How long had they even been a thing? Was Maya fucking Matlin the reason Cam had rejected him in the park? He stared hard, trying to get inside Cam's head but he was impenetrable. In fact, he deliberately avoided making eye contact with Zig throughout the entire round. Play cycled back to Cam once more, and Zig could tell the others were tensely awaiting his "bullshit" call. Tristan was picking at hangnail and Tori kept her eyes cast down.

"Four aces," Cam said.

"Bullshit," Zig said, and started working on the fly of his jeans.

"Zig," Maya said, and he assumed she was going to preach to him about decency or respect, so he didn't look up.

"Zig," Tori said firmly, "Look."

Zig turned his gaze from his unbuttoned jeans to the pile of cards on the floor. Cam had played one ace and three fives. He'd bullshitted. He knew that Zig would call him out, yet he'd still bullshitted on purpose. Zig wondered if he was trying to prevent him from taking off any more clothes, and wasn't sure if it was because Cam was getting turned on or if it was because he was trying to ruin Zig's fun.

Cam stared at him, his big brown eyes blinking twice as he reached down and pulled off a sneaker. He slammed the white Air Force shoe down onto the marble tiled floor beside him, then picked up the entire pile of cards. He looked at Zig the entire time as if to say, "game on."

Zig narrowed his eyes in recognition of the challenge, but soon became perplexed as the game continued and Cam began to call everyone's plays: "Bullshit," "That sounds like bullshit to me," and "I'm gonna say… bullshit?"

It was no time at all until Cam was barefoot and shirtless just like Zig. Maya stared at him in bewilderment. "Cam," she hissed as if the entire group wouldn't be able to hear, "What are you doing?"

Tristan laid down his cards then made a show of stretching his arms over his head and yawning. "Well, I'm bored. This is clearly some weird heterosexual male ritual that I want no part of. I mean, no offense, you guys have _great_ bodies but… this is weird."

"Yeah, I agree," said Maya slowly. She pulled away from Cam to grab her discarded jewelry from the ground and followed Tristan as he stood up. She looked down at Cam and said, "Please work out whatever's going on then come find me… I don't want to have to kiss a stranger at midnight."

Zig sat still on the floor, his knees bent up and arms draped over them, fan of cards dangling from his right hand. He was just as confused as the others were but was also pleased by the sight of Cam's bare top half. His skin was as milky smooth as it had been the last time Zig had seen it. He'd also forgotten how muscular Cam was. It was easy to look at Cam and his small stature and imagine him a string bean beneath his clothes, but that was far from the case. Cam was ripped.

"There's an hour until midnight and I haven't even danced _or_ tried the chocolate fountain yet," Tristan said, "Are you coming, Tor?"

Tori had been mostly silent throughout the game but watched Zig and Cam closely. A few times in the night, she touched her hand to Zig's shoulder, as if she were afraid he was going to lunge after Cam. Zig was also afraid he might do the same, although not in the way that Tori was probably imagining.

Now Tori stood up, her bangles clattering down her arm and a mist of glitter falling from her dress as she rose. "Sorry," she mouthed to Zig and gave him a pretend pout before joining her friends. The three of them left together, heading for one of the rooms that was loudly pumping dance music.

Zig and Cam were left alone in the room with the grand piano and a couple making out in the corner. Cam had already pulled his t-shirt back on and was shaking out his crumpled sock.

"So that's it?" Zig asked, tossing his hand of cards in Cam's direction.

"What are you talking about?" Cam replied, thick eyebrows furrowed as he focused on his socks and feet.

Zig watched as Cam stretched both white socks over his feet and reached for his sneakers. His ability to ignore Zig made Zig seethe. All he could do was leer and drool over Cam's existence, and Cam made it seem like Zig meant nothing. He imagined himself crawling over to Cam and ripping the shoe out of his hand. He'd wedge his body between Cam's legs and press his chest so his back met the floor, forcing him to pay attention, to remember. To remember how he had been Zig's. How Zig had ravaged him, laying claim to that round, taut ass and fucking him to ecstasy.

That day suddenly felt impossibly distant. "Cam," Zig sighed and slid his hand up his forehead, pushing his hair back, "I…"

Cam finished tying up his shoes and tapped his feet quickly on the floor as if he were pleased with the job and celebrating with a little victory drumroll. "I gotta get back to Maya," he said, and stood up.

"Cam, wait," Zig called, standing up to draw Cam's attention back.

To his surprise, Cam stopped and turned back to hear what he had to say.

"Can we talk?" Zig asked, still caught off guard and fumbling for the words to say, but saying something—anything—before Cam grew impatient and left him alone once more. It wasn't the question he had in mind and he hated how pathetic it sounded coming from his lips.

Cam shook his head and exhaled sharply so that it almost sounded like a quiet laugh. " _Now_ you want to talk about things. Zig, I texted you over and over. I… I went to see you where I'd knew you'd be, and you _chased me away_."

Zig felt tense with despair, his arms suddenly heavy and his throat tight. He felt an icy pang of regret shoot through his spine. These were the same feelings he'd had after asking Cam out, the pain so strong he was barely able to comprehend the refusal. There's no way that Cam was doing this again. He knew he'd fucked up ignoring the texts, but his heart had been broken. He'd needed time to heal.

"Cam," Zig said, grasping for the words to say, "You… You _rejected_ me."

Cam shifted his weight from one foot to the other and looked toward the floor. "Yeah," he said and shrugged, lifting his eyes again to meet Zig's. They didn't look harsh but they didn't look remorseful, either. They seemed to look right through Zig.

"' _Yeah_ '?" Zig asked, unsatisfied with Cam's response. He couldn't believe—didn't _want_ to believe—that Cam could so easily forget him, but the other boy was already walking away.

"So that's it?" Zig found himself asking again, shouting after Cam once more and blinking away fiery tears.

Zig felt as if he'd been rejected all over again, or like this entire month had been one drawn out agonizing break up. He had thought that after all the texts and Cam stalking him at the skate park that maybe… Well, it didn't matter what he thought. Here he was, shirtless and almost crying at some rich kid's party trying to impress some guy. He felt so stupid. He hated the feeling. He hated Cam for making him feel this way again. Why did he let him get away with it? If it had been anybody else, Zig would have pummeled him. So what if he was attracted to the kid? He'd been attracted to a lot of girls that never crossed his mind again. Why did Cam have to be any different than that? He didn't. Cam was just some asshole jock and nothing more. He felt the anger building inside of him, the cold dejection turning into white hot rage.

He whipped around and snatched his discarded clothing items off of the floor one by one. He stretched his t-shirt and sweater back over his head and stomped into his socks and shoes. Fuck Cam. He had always suspected that Cam thought he was better than everyone else, and this was how he showed it. He'd lure you in with his big doe eyes and shy boy gimmick, then drop you when he got what he wanted. Zig continued to escalate his rationale for hating Cam, trying his hardest to convince himself to move on.

His frustration built as he searched the floor for his belt, unable to find it. He blamed Cam for that too, somehow. He kicked through the piles of playing cards on the floor sending a cascade of red and white across the tile and watched them pile up near the piano. His eyes caught on a dark mass of cloth beneath the piano bench: Cam's varsity jacket. He used the sole of his foot to kick over the bench. The force and thud of the wood hitting the ground alleviated some of the tension coursing through his body. He reached down and swiped up the jacket, finding his belt hidden underneath. He knew it had been Cam's fault that it had gone missing.

 _Finders keepers_ , he thought smugly and tried the jacket on while he fastened his belt. The jacket had always seemed a bit oversized on Cam, but it fit Zig perfectly. He noticed his reflection in the window and tried to envision himself as one of the Ice Hounds. It was fruitless because instead he kept imagining himself as Cam's boyfriend, wearing his letter jacket as a kind of prize like the girls all did. He liked the feeling. He liked the way it looked on him. He turned his face to rub the corner of his mouth and cheek against the red and black striped collar. It smelled overwhelmingly of Cam. It wasn't a perfumed smell like Tori's, it just smelled like Cam. Zig couldn't explain it, but it made him wild. He felt paralyzed between his conflicting desires to fuck Cam up and to fuck him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4  
** **Cam.**

Cam spent the entire game of cards trying to steel himself against Zig's presence. As soon as he'd spotted Zig at the party Cam was ready to bail, but suddenly he and Zig were trapped together seated directly across from one another. It was the closest they'd been since the breakup, and Zig seemed to be _trying_ to make Cam uncomfortable. As if it were hard. As if he weren't already uncomfortable every moment of his life. Zig called every single one of Cam's plays, sabotaging the game for him and stripping down until he was almost naked. It was Cam's worst nightmare. He couldn't focus on the game because there _was_ no game, so he was forced to take in Zig as he removed his clothing piece by piece.

Cam had been holding it together until it was time for Zig to take his shirt off. He wasn’t in control of his hormones so there was nothing he could do except to stare along with Maya, Tristan, and Tori. He was certain they were all thinking the same thing. That Zig was going to get naked, but that he was so fucking hot, there was no reason to stop him. Cam felt himself become flush beneath his clothes, and tried his best to channel his sexual energy toward Maya. Of course it didn't work, so he kept his eyes cast down to avoid looking at Zig's bare chest. The game seemed to progress so rapidly that Cam could only keep anticipating what was coming next. It would only be seconds until Zig was taking off his jeans. The memory of he and Zig getting naked at Zig's house crashed into Cam's mind like an uninvited guest. He pushed it out of sight and stared down at the cards in his hand until he caught a glimpse of Zig's bare foot and the thoughts came back with a battering ram.

He did all that he could to throw the game, to end it as quickly as possible and get out of that room. It was an agonizingly long process in which he'd also had to disrobe, but it worked. The game ended and he was almost freed of Zig. Until he'd had to speak to him and face the truth.

"You rejected me," Zig had said and he'd looked so vulnerable that the realization hit Cam like a punch to the chest.

"Yeah," he'd replied because he was only just coming to comprehend the truth himself. Yeah, he _had_ rejected Zig. Except this whole time, he'd been acting like Zig had been the one to reject him. But hadn't he? Cam's body chilled with regret as he gazed on Zig and his pleading green eyes. He couldn't face him like this. He knew that he was abandoning Zig again and he knew that it wasn't the right thing to do, but he had to get out of there.

He carried the weight of his conversation with Zig into the room where he'd danced with Maya earlier. It hadn't registered with him until that moment that he might have actually _hurt_ Zig by rejecting his relationship proposal. It seemed obvious now that of course he would be hurt, but in Cam's memory Zig had just erupted in anger. He'd seemed wronged, sure, embarrassed even, but never _hurt_.

Cam was able to finally escape the immediacy of Zig and his feelings, but was now confronted by the knowledge that Zig did still actually have feelings for him. At least some type of feelings. Cam wasn't sure if Zig was set on revenge or reconciliation, but Cam wasn't prepared for either. He kept close to the wall, hiding in the shadows of the colorful LED lights and tinsel streamers. The room was packed now and loud as ever with an infectious EDM song he didn’t recognize still making him nod his head to the beat. A projector cast the image of a countdown until midnight on the far wall. It read "30:21". He couldn't believe it was already almost midnight. He couldn't believe it was already almost the new year, despite so much happening in his life in just these past couple of weeks.

He leaned back against the wall and pulled his phone from his jeans pocket. He swiped past a Oomfchat notification from Maya and went into his pictures app. His body tensed with anticipation as he prepared for what he was about to see. It's as if his hand was leading him without consent from his mind. He scrolled all the way to the bottom and selected the "recently deleted" folder. He'd come to frequent the folder in his loneliest moments, never able to—nor even desiring to—permanently erase its contents. In between the accidental screenshots and unflattering selfies were all of Cam's memories of his time with Zig. There were the sexy photos he'd saved that Zig had sent him to wake up to, the silly photos he'd taken of them goofing off together, and the secret ones he'd snapped of Zig when he wasn't even aware. His heart panged when he looked down at the grid of images and faced all of the memories that charged to the forefront of his mind. He hadn't realized how much he missed Zig until being confronted by him in the other room. It had been such a short-lived fling but it had been _everything_.

Cam flipped through the images, allowing himself to linger on certain pictures that stirred strong memories. The most recent images had been the most embarrassing: stolen photographs of Zig on his skateboard that Cam had snuck like a paparazzo from outside of the skate park. He hadn't intended to take any pictures at all, but he became mesmerized by the sight of Zig's skill and the way his lanky body moved as he chased his skateboard around. He had always been quietly enamored of skater boys, and the fact that Zig was one thrilled him. He'd wanted evidence of it, something stronger than his memory that he could look back on and would make his heart swell. He'd stayed put leering for too long and Zig had spotted him and chased him away. He'd even called Cam a creep, a truthful accusation that made him sick to his stomach. He _had_ been a creep, and a stalker, and he still felt shameful any time he admired the photos.

He swiped further back in time, quickly passing over a couple of images of the boys together. Cam never took photos of them showing each other affection—there had barely been any of those moments to even photograph—but Zig did once take Cam's phone and hold it out in front of them instructing him to "smile and say titties," in lieu of saying "cheese." _Tittiiiieeees_ , he could almost hear them saying through the image, squinted eyes and giant grins through the laughter. He could feel the grin spreading across his face as he relived the moment. He swiped again.

The next picture made Cam's cheeks redden and he swiftly reduced the brightness on his screen. It was a picture Zig had sent of himself taken of his reflection in a bathroom mirror. He was shirtless, in only a small towel draped over his shoulder and his underwear which were tight gray boxer briefs. His hair was wet and body glistening, and Cam wasn't sure whether he'd been sweating or showering. Zig smoldered into the camera, a trained pose Cam had seen him post many times on Oomfchat, but that was always effective. It was Cam's favorite picture of Zig. He loved how his body looked, with his lean muscles defined and glistening, and his package so clearly on display beneath the thin gray fabric. Cam was transported away from the thumping music and the party and fell into complete lust over the image.

His eyes traced over Zig's form and he imagined what it would be like to once again be pinned down by him. It was dangerous territory to think like that around so many people, but he felt secure enough alone by the wall to let his guard down. He allowed his mind to wander to every time he'd ever seen Zig's body in the flesh, and kept coming back to Zig undressing just moments ago during the card game. It's like the image of him sitting on the floor and pulling his t-shirt off was lasered into his mind. His arms had been so muscular and Cam had fixated on the vein that twisted from the back of his hand up his forearm. It was like a gif looping in his mind: those arms reaching over his head and pulling the shirt off, revealing his chest, nipples, and abs. Cam was agonized by the way he felt every time he imagined it again. The skin of his entire body buzzed, everything feeling simultaneously unbearable and unpalpable. His mouth was dry, he felt slightly nauseous and slightly angry, and he was so, so aware—more aware than he'd ever been—of his own penis. He was, he admitted, outrageously horny. He had to stop.

He allowed himself one last glimpse of the image before intending to close the app, but found himself unable to look away from his phone when a banner notification dropped from the top of its screen: _New Oomfchat from Zig Novak_. Cam opened it immediately, wild and greedy for another image of Zig and curious to see what Zig had to say to him. His phone's screen filled with the new image, a selfie of Zig smiling, his dimple in beautiful full effect. He'd been in the same room as Cam, the countdown to midnight featured in the background. It startled him, making Zig appear somehow omnipresent, although it seemed like everyone at the party had slowly congregated into the room. He still looked up just to make sure that Zig hadn't followed him. He wasn't ready to face him in person again. What would he even say? "Sorry"? Then what? He didn't need to think hard to be reminded of the way that Zig had screamed at him and shoved him in the park, or the way he'd chased him off at the skate park. He'd rather hide out and avoid Zig than have to deal with that again. He looked back down at his phone, intending to get lost in Zig's green eyes and reminisce on how good things had at least once been, but then he noticed something else in the picture.

 _New year, new drip_ , was the caption Cam had so far overlooked. He'd dismissed it as something nonsensical since the image of Zig was taken from the shoulders up and it hadn't shown much of his outfit at all. But then Cam saw. Panic once again seized him as he recognized the black and red striped collar, the faux leather sleeves, and the two pointy ears of the Ice Hounds logo on the varsity jacket's chest. The realization hit his mind and body at the same time, his skin suddenly feeling naked without the weight of his jacket on. Zig had stolen his hockey jacket and the picture was a taunt. How could he have lost it? He must've been in such a rush to get out of that room—to run away from Zig—that he'd forgotten to put it back on.

All he could think about was how exposed he felt without the cover of his jacket. Even the burn on his arm was no longer hidden. He wanted to blame Zig for laying him bare, for goading him into stripping and escalating the tension between them, knowing damn well what he was doing, but Cam knew it had been his own mistake leaving the jacket behind. He'd been too weak to handle his own sexual feelings and too stunted to deal with his emotional ones. He hated his inability to face the truth, despite it haunting his mind like a spirit that refused to be exorcised.

"Whatcha lookin' at?" Dallas had once again suddenly materialized over Cam's shoulder, and the surprise made him jump.

He meant to lock his phone and hide its screen from Dallas, but he'd been so jarred by Dallas's presence that he fumbled with it, and the phone clattered to the floor near Dallas's feet. Cam grimaced, and lunged for the phone on the ground as it landed face side _up_ , image of Zig staring out at them both. Dallas spun swiftly and kicked the phone out of reach, and for a moment it was like the boys were on the ice, fighting for the phone like a hockey puck. Cam scrambled for the phone on his hands and knees, but Dallas was able to reach it with a step before him and covered the phone with his foot. Cam cringed, his thoughts thrumming a pleading stream of _no, no, no, no_ as Dallas crouched down and pulled the phone from beneath the sole of his Nike.

Cam stood back up and reached for the phone in Dallas's hand, trying to snatch it away before he could look at the screen, but Dallas held it up and out of reach. It was humiliating, a bullying tactic that Cam was used to facing in the locker room. He was shorter than the other guys and he'd never truly fit in with them, so his height was fodder for their ridicule. He didn't dare embarrass himself further by jumping up, instead, he took a step back and shrugged his arms in defeat.

Internally, he was praying that the phone had broken while being kicked around or that there was a chance that Dallas wouldn't look at what was on the screen. It felt like slow motion as Dallas lowered the phone and seemed to hover his thumb over the screen just to watch Cam sweat. He felt his eyes burn and was sure that his distress was clear on his face. He regretted being so stupid to openly lust over pictures of another boy around so many people. Of course he would be found out. Just as he'd been so careless to leave his jacket behind, he'd been careless with this. Cam's heart began to race as he visualized Dallas looking at the screen and swiping through his secret gallery of Zig pictures. _What is this, your wank bank?_ He imagined Dallas asking with repulsion, ready to share his newfound dirt on Cam with the rest of the team, the rest of the _school_. He couldn't let that happen.

"Dallas," he cautioned and shook his head, noticing that his fingers were trembling as he put his hand out for his phone.

"Relax dude, I'm just messing with you," Dallas said and slapped the phone into his open palm.

Cam looked down at it incredulously, feeling as if he'd just escaped certain death. He stuffed it back into his pocket, now hyper aware of the weight of it and its potentially life-ruining contents. 

"Your girl sent me over to find you. She wants to dance, which means Tori will be all alone… So let's go before I miss my shot," Dallas said, and turned to lead Cam onto the crowded dance floor.

Cam remained rooted to the square of marble he'd been standing on, still recovering from how close he'd come to being exposed. It would have taken almost nothing for Dallas to find the embarrassing Zig photos on his phone. He needed to be more careful. This was exactly why he had to stop simping over Zig, exactly why he could never truly _be with_ Zig. He couldn't sabotage his own life. 

"Dude, come on," Dallas called, already several feet ahead. He stopped impatiently and turned to face Cam.

Cam took a deep breath before catching up with him. He didn't have to worry now. He was in the clear with Dallas, he'd had fun dancing with Maya before, and Zig was nowhere to be seen. _This_ was the way his night was supposed to go.

They pushed their way to the front of the room until Maya and Tori came into view. Maya spotted Cam first and waved frantically to grab his attention. He lifted his hand halfway and swiped the air quickly in response. She beamed at him while she awaited him, then hugged him close, throwing her arms around his waist and squeezing tightly without letting go. Cam knew that Maya was crazy about him, but it was only during this embrace that he considered that her feelings toward him mirrored his own feelings toward Zig. The thought made him blush and go rigid in her arms. He hoped Maya didn't think they would ever have… he couldn't even think the word.

She rested her chin on his shoulder seemingly unaware that Cam was barely hugging back, and shouted into his ear over the music.

"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't have left you alone with Zig!"

"It's fine," he said, not wanting to have to think about that moment again.

"No," she said firmly, and pulled away from Cam's body to slide her bag from her shoulder. She pawed through the tiny rectangle like a mouse until she found her phone, and held it up for both of them to see. She opened Oomfchat and tapped on her most recent message from Zig.

"He took your jacket," she said, as they peered down at the selfie of Zig in the hockey jacket. He'd apparently sent it to _all_ of his contacts and not just Cam. Cam felt suddenly idiotic for trying so hard to hide the image from Dallas. There was nothing incriminating at all about opening the Oomf and looking at a picture from a friend. Zig might have even sent it to Dallas too, for all Cam knew. He had to learn to relax, and to free himself from the strange hold Zig had on him.

He stared down intensely at the picture on Maya's phone, trying to feel the same anger she did. Instead, all he could think about was how hot Zig looked wearing his jacket.


End file.
